Iguana Sitter

 Wanted Iguana Sitter or Iguana B.B Que? Some of the most colorful characters I've ever met were one such couple who at one time managed an apartment building right next to my house. Bill and Barbara were an odd couple to say the least and they lived in a tiny studio apartment rent free in return for managing the building. Barbara was a tall gal with board shoulders and tree trunks for legs she towered over her husband Bill who liked drinking a lot more then working. Barbara wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer but she had a heart of gold and a soul just as bright and the things in life that she really cared about mattered. One afternoon I noticed Bill staggering out in front of my house and holding up a sign as cars passed by? It was until he fell down on my front lawn that I was able to read the sign, " Broke and Drunk, Wife refuses more money, Will work of Booze". Out of nowhere Barbara appeared, she scooped up Bill like a fumbled football and neatly tucked him under her arm, within seconds I heard their front door slam and Barbara's voice, "Your drunk Bill, again"? Barbara and Bill were childless but the love of Barbara's life was her pet Iguana named, "Twinkles". Barbara would parade around the apartment building with "Twinkles" draped over her shoulders dressed up in doll clothes and every time "Twinkles" laid a egg Barbara threw a party with cake and ice cream. One day Barbara called out to me from over the fence and mentioned she and her husband would be out of town for a week and would I be interested in babysitting "Twinkles". During our conversation I noticed Barbara was holding a raw steak in her hand so I assumed she was in the middle of preparing dinner but before I could answer she took a huge bite out of the center of that 2 inch thick cut of beef sort of Bob St. Clair style. Taking another bite she looked at me and said, "I never did learn to cook"? I told Barbara that unfortunately Catherine and I would be leaving for New Mexico at the same time so I suggested she asked our other neighbors or perhaps place an add in the newspaper. Barbara told me there just wasn't any time left so I suggested posting a sign in front of the building. Barbara took another bite of the half eaten T-bone and grunted something like, "sounds good". Well her first attempt at sign making was questionable with a painted caricature of "Twinkles" that looked like a cross between Big Bird and Godzilla on a large piece of cardboard. There were a few misspelled words but it read, " Wanted, Iguana Sitter, $2.50 per hour.  I helped Barbara clean up the sign some and together we made the portrait of "Twinkles" more respectable. Barbara seemed pleased and she stood proudly in front of my house holding it up to every car that passed until the sun went down. Overnight I began to think about my travels in Mexico and their native wildlife. I didn't have the heart to tell Barbara that Iguana's are eaten in that country and many times you would see several tied up at the market place for someone's dinner. The next morning my fears came true when I heard a bloodcurdling scream that sounded like Barbara. "No, no, no", she yelled, "Bill, they want to eat "Twinkles".? Apparently a car had stopped for Barbara's sign, however; due to a language barrier the interested motorist thought "Twinkles" was for sale and at $2.50 cents a steal. Barbara yelled at the stopped motorist," Get out of here, Iguana's are for loving not eating". I'm happy to say all is well with Barbara, Bill and "Twinkles", they won a lottery for a new apartment complex through affordable housing and I understand "Twinkles" has a large sun room all to herself.